One thing I've learned is that pain - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual - doesn't pause or stop just because it's a holiday. On my #journeytoadiagnosis I have learned to embrace what each day has to offer and what I am able to accomplish throughout it, in spite of the pain. That's a beautifully optomistic perspective, right? But let's be real, sometimes I have to dig deep to remind myself of this, because I don't think like this everyday.
Some days suck and that's all. Some weeks I deal with depression and anxiety and I question God on why I'm still dealing with these issues for 6 years now. Some days I forget I was in pain the day before. Some days, I'm so determined to accomplish whatever task I am fixated on, that I push through the pain and fatigue. Then, I pay for it later. I have days where I realize my mobility and stamina have increased and that's always a win! Some days, I don't want to get out of bed because I'm tired of the pain slowing me down.
The poem below was written from my bed. I was laying in bed because my joint pain and fatigue were too severe to do anything else. I was in pain from my finger tips to my neck, from my neck to my knees and down to my toes. I felt hopeless and helpless. I felt abandoned and invisible. I had been feeling this way for quite some time. I remember laying there crying and thinking, "God, Why am I in so much pain?" Then it clicked, "If I can feel it, He can heal it," I figured since God created my body then he knows it better than anyone. He is the great physician and the God who heals. Thank you, Jehovah Rapha.
So, it's from that perspective that I wrote this poem. I was in too much pain to use a pen to write in my journal or to type it out on my phone. I simply opened my notes app and spoke into my phone, the text showed up on the screen and my poem began to form. I wanted to acknowledge (and document) my pain through poetry while also reminding myself that, "As long as I can feel it, I know He will heal it."
I’m thankful for the ability to feel
From the tingling
That turns into numbness
To the throbbing
That turns into sharpness
Piercing from neck to toes
Back to knees
Finger tips to feet
I’m thankful I can feel
Every ache, pain and strain
On my joints, muscles and limbs
At all times I will bless Him
No matter how much pain I’m in
I’m thankful for the ability to feel
As long as I can feel it
I know He will heal it
For by His stripes
He gave His life
For me to gain
The ability to feel pain
That I may know
How it feels to be healed
This poem is featured in my first book, Simply Thoughts: A Diary of Thoughts, Reflection and Poetry available on Amazon.
Now, I know that this perspective of dealing with chronic pain and an undiagnosed autoimmune disease, probably isn't what you're used to reading or hearing, and that's okay. One thing that this journey has taught me, is to be grateful and thankful for what I can do each day and the day this was written, (beyond being alive and breathing) being able to feel was what stood out to me. This poem allowed me to show my humanity while encouraging my spirit to rejoice in that fact that by Jesus' stripes, I Am Healed.
My #journeytoadiagnosis began June 2017. I used that hashtag on Instagram to document my journey. I haven't shared much about my current health status probably since 2020 (besides #LUMPWHERE) well and sharing a little of my hair journey. I haven't really shared because I honestly don't know what to share and I don't feel like I have anything to say.
After 6 years, I still deal with joint pain, back pain, chronic fatigue, neuropathy, brain fog, hair loss due to alopecia areata (my hair is growing now but I found a bald spot recently - it's a cycle of hair growth and loss) and now digestive issues that include intestinal pain, bloating among other things. *side note: I started drinking kombucha (which is and is not recommended for people with autoimmune issues) and so far, I've been experiencing some relief.
So I'm still on my "the doctors still haven't figured out what's going on in my body - just heal me already, Jesus - I changed my diet and started working out - Lord, I forgive and release all hurt and pain so my body won't store my trauma anymore - my body feels good, I'm healed - wait why am I in pain again - use wisdom, Ariel don't overdo it - gosh, this sucks but to God be the glory" journey.
One thing that makes this journey hard is that I don't "look sick" or I don't look like anything is "wrong" with me. So it doesn't always make sense to people who don't know me or who know me and just don't understand because how could I have health issues when I look, sound and behave the way I do. That's what living with an invisible illness is like.
It's so crazy to my natural mind how I know that I have the gift of healing, as God has used me to pray for people and they were healed by his power. And here I am praying for myself daily and I haven't received my healing, yet! Some days, I just say, c'mon Jesus! What's going on here, man LOL!
When I got the inital diagnosis of lupus (I don't have lupus by the way, the doctors ruled that our after futher testing). I was devastated. I immediately blamed myself and began to repent and forgive any and everyone I could think of. I thought that I was being punished for a sin I committed or for having unforgiveness in my heart towards someone. I thought that I must has done something wrong to deserve this and having health issues was my punishment.
That's a sad mindset to have, isn't it? Well, I'm not the only one who thought like that.
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
Just like the disciples, I thought my health issues were because I sinned. Man, I was so wrong. Just as Jesus told them that, "this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him,"
I love the wording of this verse in other translations:
KJV: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him
ERV: He was born blind so that he could be used to show what great things God can do
AMP: but it was so that the works of God might be displayed and illustrated in him
I believe this verse for myself. I believe that even in my pain, not only does God get the glory but my healing will be a display of his power for someone else to be encouraged and to believe in him. And for my faith to be increased. Sometimes I think my pain/living with it for so long is my test and my complete healing is my testimony.
Godspeed 🌻💛
SimplyAriRenee
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