The original post was entitled, "I knew you weren't breathing," it was written 12/15/22 and posted on Instagram on 5/6/23. I decided to sit with this piece and in #SimplyThoughts fashion, add more context and elaborate on my thoughts, feelings and reflections. Happy Reading ...
They say, “You never really know what someone is going through.” What about when you know what they’re going through or you know they’re going through something and you don’t reach out or do anything to at least try to help them? Then, what?
I believe a simple phone call or text could make a difference in someone's life. “You were on my mind and I wanted to send you love,” goes a long way in my personal experience, as the one needing the text and the one sending it to someone. It doesn’t sit well with me when we know, sense or see something is “off” with someone but we don’t reach out.
I believe we cannot exist or survive in life independent of community. We are not meant to live in seclusion. I know we can feel like we are alone but we are never truly alone.
🎶I need you, you need me
We're all a part of God's body
Stand with me, agree with me
We're all a part of God's body
It is His will that every need be supplied
You are important to me, I need you to survive
You are important to me, I need you to survive 🎶
I understand that our prayers for someone may go farther than any word we could ever speak directly to them because of the one to whom we pray. God has the power to change, release, and alleviate any situation or struggle we're faced with. He does the way making, the promising keeping and he is the light in our dark situations. My God, that is who he is!
Now I'll admit, there are times when I have sensed someone is not okay and because of personal decisions, circumstances and boundaries set (by me and or the person), I could not reach out to check on them in a way beyond praying for them. So I know that reaching out in the sense of a text, face time or phone call might not always happen. But, for the most part, I believe we can say something and we choose not to.
I am grateful for my friends and family, many who are long distance and I haven’t seen in years, who somehow sense when I need a little more love. Sometimes they reach out to me in the exact moment that I need some encouragement, support or to simply feel seen. Unfortunately, some of us have people who see us everyday or on a weekly basis and don’t say anything, even when they know or can clearly see we’re struggling or having a hard time.
I know sometimes we have to go through things on our own, as it helps to strengthen us, build our character and teach us lessons we otherwise wouldn't learn. I understand that some seasons and circumstances in life require isolation to build our independence from people and dependence on God. I believe our dependence on and connection with community and our independence as individuals are both vital to our growth as humans. I need to have strong sense of self while also learning from and growing with a community. For with a community, we are able to form strong bonds and lasting relationships that are mutually beneficial. To feel seen, heard, and understood by your community is a blessing. To be in a community and to not feel seen, heard or understood, is heartbreaking.
A person once told me,
“I knew you weren’t breathing.”
Not breathing is an indicator that I’m overwhelmed, anxious or in a panic.
The day they saw me “not breathing” (and didn’t say anything) hours later, I had a panic attack. I know that could have happened if they said something to me or not. If it was going to happen, then it was simply going to happen. And, yeah it did.
My point is that they were a part of my personal community. They saw the state I was in and did not use their power, influence or voice to say anything to me to help alleviate what they were witnessing. Now, I'm no victim here. I'm not casting blame on anyone and neither am I a helpless person without communication skills and some level independence. I'm simply stating that in those moments, this person saw me in my most vulnerable state and said nothing and they did nothing. *maybe they prayed for me, so I'll just say they didn't tell me that they prayed for me LOL but they might have ... either way, keep reading😉*
Most people do not have the eyes of discernment to see past my smile, laughter, or my willingness to help with a "can do" attitude. Many don't know the story of my personal pain and trauma. They don't know the silent and secret struggles of my life, so its easy to just see the smile and not think anything is wrong. Annddd... I'll admit, I've hidden behind my positive charismatic personality, too. I've smiled my way through hard times, knowing that I was broken inside.
Yet, with this person, I was blessed to forge a genuine relationship, a true friendship where we both felt seen, heard and understood by each other. How do I know this? because we've talked about it. But sadly, what I needed in my moment of not breathing was for someone to see me, to help me and I didn't receive that. I'm not saying it was their responsibility or obligation to help me, but it would have been nice if they could have, you know?
Days after my panic attack, hearing,
“I knew you weren’t breathing” from them, felt as if they saw me drowning and didn't throw out a life jacket or call a lifeguard.
To me, seeing but not saying anything is simply watching someone drown right before your eyes.
Their observation of me not breathing, left me feeling even more invisible than I already felt. I knew I needed help but in that moment, I did not know how to ask for help, who to ask for help or what to do because of how overwhelmed I was.
I'll admit, I was more hurt by them telling me they knew I wasn't breathing than the circumstances that led me to that state of panic and not breathing.
A part of me wishes they didn't say anything about it. I felt betrayed by one of the few people who I felt close to. I remember asking myself, "Why would they see me and not say anything to me? How could they see I was in distress and not offer any help?"
I also know that this particular incident ("I knew you weren't breathing") was a test to see if I would
1. continue being a people-pleaser (which is one factor that led to my demise)
2. stop being my authentic self and only be surface level with people
3. set boundaries and stick to them
4. be bitter towards them or forgive and move on
So although I was hurt by them seeing the state I was in but not saying anything to me I don’t blame them for what happened and I am no longer hurt by them not saying anything to me because
1. Maybe they did not have the time or energy to help me in my moment of need (and that’s okay). In order to help someone or be there for them, YOU have to be equipped and ready to do so and sometimes we just can't. Now a simple, "Breathe, Ariel" text might have helped, but there is no guarantee that it would have defused my current state.
2. It is my responsibility to use my strategies + coping skills to self regulate in those moments
3. In retrospect, this was a reminder for me to take care of myself, set boundaries, clear expectations and do my best to breathe.
The reality is that sometimes no one (but Jesus) will be there in your time of need. I'm thankful for those who are here for me now when they can be and sometimes its nobody but my husband and the Holy Spirit. And they are enough! This does not negate the need for community though, I really want to drive that point! I am not ashamed to admit, I'm still in need of a supportive, loving and understanding community! I am grateful that I have people in my life who are able to see me when I am not breathing and will therefore, say something to me.
Ultimately, the point of this post is to do what TSA says, “If You SEE Something, SAY Something.” I understand that we can get it wrong - sometimes we “see” or assume things are one way when they’re not (but that's a post for another day).
Since that one incident, of course I've been overwhelmed, anxious, panicked, over stimulated and stressed out!
This wasn't a one-time thing. I've developed some coping mechanisms that help me and even with all of the tools, tips and strategies that I have learned throughout the years,
I still find myself "not breathing" at times and that's okay.
Each time is an opportunity to see my growth in self-regulatory practices. Sometimes I do well, while other times, I have to learn what works for me again.
These moments also give me an opportunity to practice what I preach -
1 Peter 5:7 NIV - Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
2 Timothy 1:7 KJV - For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV - Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Godspeed,
SimplyAriRenee
[ originally written: 12/15/22 revised & edited: 10/31/23 & 11/01/23 ]
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