In August 2020, as stated in another #tb blog post, I participated in #TheWomanISee writing challenge with Woman Writing. As a result, I was encouraged to document my personal revelation, if you will, about the root of my insecurities. I started by writing, then I did a voice recording and a video.
At the beginning of the video I’m speaking about a conversation I had with my Godmother and my response to her asking me a question that had something to do with dating and marriage, and my feelings about them at that time.
In order to explain how I felt, I first told her that I’ve been insecure about many things and I finally realized when and how those insecurities came to be. My insecurities shaped my perspective and feelings about dating and marriage. Something I still continue to work through daily as a now married woman.
I came to understand that *One Event* in my life led to me feeling insecure about several things and I developed certain fears. In this video, I’m speaking mainly about my fear of being abandoned. I highly recommend you watch it (above) so you'll have full context of this blog post.
The revelation that I had this day was life changing. I'd like to also state that I was not going to therapy at this time and I did not begin until July 2022. The personal work I did before going to therapy, helped me to better articulate my challenges, feelings and needs once I began sessions. I'm not saying that you have to "work on yourself" before seeking guidance from a license therapists, I honestly would have rather discovered my fear of abandonment with a therapist rather than on my own but that isn't my story. My story does however, advocate for prayer, meditation, reflection and expressing my feelings, thoughts and emotions. Ultimately, having Jesus + Therapy is truly the best formula for me.
Questions from Woman Writing to ask yourself:
[these questions led me to my personal revelation]
1. How do my insecurities show up in my life?
2. What are they?
3. How did they develop?
I encourage you to ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. It might take a while but don't be afraid to sit with the answers and work your way through them.
Another writing prompt that was presented through #TheWomanISee writing challenge- this question (below) was a prompt that was given a few days before the prompt that led me to my personal revelation (above)
What has been the biggest challenge you've actively overcome?
actively as in presently
as in currently
as in right now
daily
- abandonment
reaching back 20+ years
you will meet the root of my fears
where it all began
many nights drowning in tears
fear of abandonment was oh so near
steering my every move
navigating my mood
governing if I ate my food
I cast no blame
life happened and the result was
I felt abandoned
feeling it was enough for me
thinking it was enough
seeing it was enough
living it was enough for me to see
I wasn’t worthy of being
anything
other
than
alone
it was my reality that lived with me
it set the stage
for many years to come
as I aged it became easier to hide
those tears that I cried last night
at some point you get sick of the fight
...
This is where I learned to
not trust what people say
but what they do
yet somehow I still fall in love with words
even if they aren’t true
relying on intention
is not worthy of a mention
this was my protection
...
so one event led to the fear of abandonment
it was meant to take me out
left me with doubt
it took me in and called me friend
lying to me as it led me to believe
that living in fear
was all life had for me
fear of being left behind
of always being lied to
or you being here and gone tomorrow
of inconsistency
teaching me that I was worthy of all these things
so afraid of being left behind
I wouldn’t even try
don’t dare to dream
because there is no way for me to have a happy ending
...
abandoned and alone
the two make a great pair
so great that they’re a burden
I can no longer bear
to be continued....
Godspeed 💛
SimplyAriRenee 🌻
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