the root of my insecurities

In August 2020, as stated in another #tb blog post, I participated in #TheWomanISee writing challenge with Woman Writing. As a result, I was encouraged to document my personal revelation, if you will, about the root of my insecurities. I started by writing, then I did a voice recording and a video.

At the beginning of the video I’m speaking about a conversation I had with my Godmother and my response to her asking me a question that had something to do with dating and marriage, and my feelings about them at that time.

In order to explain how I felt, I first told her that I’ve been insecure about many things and I finally realized when and how those insecurities came to be. My insecurities shaped my perspective and feelings about dating and marriage. Something I still continue to work through daily as a now married woman.

I came to understand that *One Event* in my life led to me feeling insecure about several things and I developed certain fears. In this video, I’m speaking mainly about my fear of being abandoned. I highly recommend you watch it (above) so you'll have full context of this blog post.

The revelation that I had this day was life changing. I'd like to also state that I was not going to therapy at this time and I did not begin until July 2022. The personal work I did before going to therapy, helped me to better articulate my challenges, feelings and needs once I began sessions. I'm not saying that you have to "work on yourself" before seeking guidance from a license therapists, I honestly would have rather discovered my fear of abandonment with a therapist rather than on my own but that isn't my story. My story does however, advocate for prayer, meditation, reflection and expressing my feelings, thoughts and emotions. Ultimately, having Jesus + Therapy is truly the best formula for me.

Questions from Woman Writing to ask yourself:

[these questions led me to my personal revelation]

1. How do my insecurities show up in my life?

2. What are they?

3. How did they develop?

I encourage you to ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. It might take a while but don't be afraid to sit with the answers and work your way through them.

Another writing prompt that was presented through #TheWomanISee writing challenge- this question (below) was a prompt that was given a few days before the prompt that led me to my personal revelation (above)

What has been the biggest challenge you've actively overcome?

actively as in presently

as in currently

as in right now

daily

- abandonment

reaching back 20+ years

you will meet the root of my fears

where it all began

many nights drowning in tears

fear of abandonment was oh so near

steering my every move

navigating my mood

governing if I ate my food

I cast no blame

life happened and the result was

I felt abandoned

feeling it was enough for me

thinking it was enough

seeing it was enough

living it was enough for me to see

I wasn’t worthy of being

anything

other

than

alone

it was my reality that lived with me

it set the stage

for many years to come

as I aged it became easier to hide

those tears that I cried last night

at some point you get sick of the fight

...

This is where I learned to

not trust what people say

but what they do

yet somehow I still fall in love with words

even if they aren’t true

relying on intention

is not worthy of a mention

this was my protection

...

so one event led to the fear of abandonment

it was meant to take me out

left me with doubt

it took me in and called me friend

lying to me as it led me to believe

that living in fear

was all life had for me

fear of being left behind

of always being lied to

or you being here and gone tomorrow

of inconsistency

teaching me that I was worthy of all these things

so afraid of being left behind

I wouldn’t even try

don’t dare to dream

because there is no way for me to have a happy ending

...

abandoned and alone

the two make a great pair

so great that they’re a burden

I can no longer bear

to be continued....

Godspeed 💛

SimplyAriRenee 🌻

#bebold #bebrave #beyou #flawsandall #insecuritiesandall