In August 2020, I participated in a writing prompt challenge from Woman Writing on Instagram. Now 3 years later, I wanted to revisit my initial reflection and poem to the writing prompt, "What has been your path up until this moment?"
Careful.
Tip toes around who I wanted to be
But afraid of breaking free and simply being me
Caring for who they wanted me to be
To fit the image they wanted to see
Full of life but suppressing what makes me unique
Thinking it will make me weak
Dying to say the least
So I would seek the validation of others
Failing to realize their confirmation was not a substitute for self acceptance
Until one day I took a chance on me
Still learning to break free from what others think of me
Or what will they say?
When I don’t live life their way
I was careful.
To walk a path of narrow mindedness
To not disrupt the flow of being the same not knowing my name or from whence I came
But as time progressed so did my consciousness
I am learning to break free of what I think others will think of me
What I think they will say about me
Overthinking about nothing making it something
Subconsciously struggling with others perception of me
Because if I am freely me, will I be fully received?
Thinking acceptance equals love from all
I was deceived.
It was tolerance until I became a nuisance
Because I wanted them to accept me more than I accepted myself
I wanted them to love me more than I loved myself
Desperately wanting to not be the different one, the odd ball, the one who doesn’t fit in because she’s meant to stand out and alone
Not blindly follow the crowd but live life out loud
I was careful.
Somewhere along the way
I knew I had to break away or be broken
Either way in life that happens inevitably
For me it was the latter
I am still careful.
More so care free
So when I look in the mirror I only see my face
Sometimes a trace of what I left behind lingers
But it’s there to remind me
To be careful with who I choose to let in and call friend
So I have to care fully for who I have and what I do
Take care of myself
While I handle myself with care
Just don't allow fear to consume your cares
#TheWomanISee #SimplyThoughts #SimplyThrowback August 9, 2020
Reflection:
August 2023 "What has been your path up until this moment?" Reflection
On August 9, 2023 exactly three years after writing the reflection and poem, I sat down to write a new reflection. I struggled quite a bit and put this piece on the shelf.
After multiple attempts with little progress each day for multiple days, now 22 days later, I think I'm ready to revisit this. Today is August 31, 2023 and I feel it's important to submit this piece before a new month begins. I feel like I need to get these feelings out of my mind and express them in written form as a way to release myself from them.
I'd like to begin by stating that I feel that the poem I wrote above truly paints an accurate picture of my evolution and transformation from caring about what people think about me, to becoming carefree and living life as my full authentic self. I realize now that I struggled with updating this reflection because a couple of years after I wrote it, I shrunk. The progress I made was undone. The light in my eyes became dim and the fire within slowly died. The very things that I hated about myself and learned to embrace, became what I hated again.
Not to mention, my people pleasing tendencies reemerged with a vengeance. I found myself wanting to fit in and reconforming to a standard that I once fought my way out of. I went from being carefree to overly caring about what people thought about me again. I wanted to be accepted by people who didn't even know themselves. I saw a version of myself die in order to survive in a world where authenticity was accepted until it wasn't.
So, I can honestly say that in reading my poem again now 3 years later, I have once again inspired myself. Throughout life's changes, authenticity remains at the core of my being. To show up as my true self is something that I strive for daily.
Comparing myself to who I was vs who I am today, I sometimes feel like I have let myself down again. As hard as I have tried, the harder I feel like I am failing myself. With all of the changes - mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, socially, spiritually and in relationships - I am realizing that I am not who I used to be and I have been struggling with that.
On July 11, 2023 I shared on my Instagram what my current struggle has been, here's a snippet...
Looking at old pictures and videos of myself, even reading old writings and poems, I see a beautiful, brave and bold woman.
Unfortunately, I do not always see my beauty, feel brave or even want to be bold. I think it is okay for me to admit this. For I have found that even though I don't always see my own beauty or feel like I am brave and bold, it doesn't change the fact that I AM all of these things and much MORE!!! That is why I say in my Instagram posts - be bold. be brave. be YOU. flaws & ALL.
So even though my path has been challenging and beautifully complicated, I am proud to say it as my own and I will continue to stay the course no matter the changes, challenges and triumphs! I'll be careful to take care of myself and show up as myself as best as I can.
Godspeed,
SimplyAriRenee
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