This blog post might be a little TMI for some but no one told me or taught me about what to expect in this season of life. So I figured I'd share what I'm going through to let another woman know that she is not alone because I know that even in this, I am not alone.
here's a peek into my diary ....
Written: June 24, 2023
I can say that I personally feel that praying, waiting and preparing myself for God to send my husband was easier than the journey to get pregnant. At least when I was single, it was obvious that I wasn’t getting married tomorrow, next week or next month because we hadn’t met yet or I wasn’t even dating anyone. It felt obvious that I was in a state of preparation.
I go through this every month - it’s a roller coaster - OMG am I pregnant or is my period just “late”? … both of my apps saying to take a pregnancy test never helps with the range of emotions. Then for one app to say “if you are pregnant, you could be ___ days pregnant and this is likely what is happening in your body and what you’re feeling.” Psh! Then for my PMS symptoms to be similar to early pregnancy symptoms- I get hype! I get excited and even more hopeful that I conceived!
I made a Pinterest board and an Instagram folder thing of mom hacks, tips and pregnancy must haves. I’m watching videos of gender reveals, pregnancy announcements, prayers to pray over your baby, birthing stories, doctors tips, conception testimonies and miracles. I’m hype! I’m hopeful! My faith is increased!
Then to see the blood - it’s disappointing, my heart is broken, I'm confused. I know God’s timing is perfect. He’s on time every time.
I just wonder when will it be my time to be a mother?
I couldn’t stop the tears this time.
So I’m on this flight on my way home crying and sniffling as I type this because my period came today and I’m currently emotionally distraught. I’m embarrassed and I can’t keep these emotions inside. I can’t contain them. I’m hiding my face in my window seat while I sob on this plane. Just like marriage and everything other thing in life, I know my time will come. Right now I guess I just have to cry it out.
"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
I played this song on repeat for the duration of my flight.
Written July 30, 2023
As far as I know, my period is coming today. I’m cramping really bad. When I saw the blood, all I could do was just sit there in disbelief and disappointment. I got myself together and sat on the bed. My husband came to console me and when he left and all I could do was cry. Because what else do you do when you realize you’re bleeding after being 7 days late? It feels cruel to me honestly. While I was sitting on the bed 🎶 “wait on the Lord” 🎶 was ringing in my mind and all I could do was cry. Obviously that’s the only thing I can do but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Because why the heck is my period so late? It’s never been this late! I've been praying over my body for quite some time now for it to be in alignment and for my hormones and reproductive system/function to be balanced. But for me to be praying that and it not happen, what the heck?!
While I was crying, I thought, "why can’t I have one thing that happens easily?" I understand that no matter what, God gets the glory but why does it have to be a whole journey and process each time? Not much about my life is the norm or typical. It’s all a special case/ special circumstances. I’m not complaining, I’m extremely grateful. It’s just frustrating. It feels like everything has to be a testimony for someone else and well maybe that’s the point. Do I ever get to have something for myself? Probably not since our lives are meant to be lived for the glory of God and not ourselves.
"I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1
Written September 5, 2023
In June and July, I shared some of my sentiments stated above with a couple of my friends. One of them said,"I'm sorry, I don't really have the words to say to make it better but I do know that you're very good at trusting God and his timing for your life. So, keep doing what you're doing! I'm rooting for you. I love you and your journey to motherhood will be a beautiful testimony on your faith and perseverance."
To say that I cried after receiving that text is an understatement. I've received encouragement from my friends/sisters who I have shared my journey with and I am beyond grateful for them. I am grateful for my husband who is supportive, understanding, compassionate and a prayer warrior. I know that I am not alone, I just feel alone sometimes because it's happening to me and my body and really, no one told me about this part in a woman's life. I did not know what to expect when getting married and trying to conceive. No one talked about this part.
I understand that there is a time and season for everything and truly like everything else in my life, I must continue to wait, pray and prepare for the appointed time under heaven for me to receive those things that I desire. While I understand this, I believe there is also room for me unashamedly admit that this is not easy. I know that there are things that I can do to become more healthy and to prepare my body to conceive and carry a child. I also know that ultimately, God is the one who does the work in my body for this to even happen.
To be honest, it took me years to even see myself as worthy and capable of loving someone and being loved. It took me a while to admit why I felt this way and to get to the root of why I believed this about myself. Growing from feeling unworthy to knowing that I am worthy and capable of love was major for me! From that to admitting that I desired marriage, whew! What a journey! Now that I've been married for almost a year, my mind is blown! It is nobody but God! I feel so blessed.
So, just as making it to marriage was a process, seeing myself as a mother and admitting that I desire to be a mother, was definitely another process. I have always loved children and being around children. Becoming a special education teacher and working with children daily was truly a blessing for me. Yet, for the longest time, I wouldn't hold babies. I was afraid of their fragility while also being in awe of their complexities.
Throughout this process, I came to the realization that I felt unworthy of being a wife and mother because I was not raised by my mother and I felt that as a result, I was not good enough as a woman to experience marriage and motherhood. So again, I felt that I was unworthy of becoming a mother. No matter how many students called me "mom" on purpose or on accident and no matter who told me I'd make a great mom, I didn't think I was worthy of such an honor. Even though, deep within I yearned to be a mother. I yearned to have a mother child connection. I wanted to experience the miracle of life coming from me, from my womb. It was so freeing to finally admit this.
every life is a miracle
a testimony of God’s existence
made in his image
as man and wife
he has given us the ability to create life
to grow and nurture from the inside out
I am awaiting my time when I am chosen for such an honor
to feel the life the fills me
to hear the heart beat
to feel the little feet
to witness the divine miracle of breathing life into a life
becoming their first home
I long for the day my womb is granted the blessing of making room
Written July 30, 2023 #simplyprayers #simplyarirenee
The song below is another one that I've had on repeat throughout this time, because I understand that ultimately a little miracle is what we are praying to God for. Being a miracle myself, I know that God still works miracles.
“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10
Godspeed,
SimplyAriRenee
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