There are so many things that I find beautiful about the human experience - one being that we can all experience the exact same thing and yet, the impact it has on us is just as unique as our fingerprint.
So here's the thing, I'm learning to listen without secretely comparing myself to others. I know we all tend to compare our experiences to others and state whether or not we respond(ed) the same way that they did when we had a similar experience. With comparison, we tend to dismiss or belittle someone else’s experience rather than be a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on.
To listen without comparison or being biased is tricky. We all might find ourselves itching to give some advice or wisdom based on our experiences, or simply share our experience, too. Because let's face it, we all want to be heard. But what if all they need is someone to vent to? Someone to listen as they verbally process what is going on with them emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually? Sometimes we listen so we can fix whatever problem they're having and that's fine if that's their intention behind sharing. * Therapy is always a good option, I know. Sometimes we want to confide in our friends and that's good, too! *
No matter who is sharing, I want to relate to what’s being said. I feel that it’s natural to reflect on my personal experiences. I have to be careful of this because it could easily turn into me sharing and potentially oversharing and their voice being drowned out or dismissed because I'm trying to be relatable. "When I went through that I ….." Also, it can cause me to get lost in my own experiences and I am not mentally or emotionally available to be there for them.
This is why patience, grace, compassion, and understanding are needed at all times. Well and honestly discernment as well annndd self-awareness. We have to able to determine when to insert our personal experiences to be an encouragement and when to just shut up and listen.
I don't always get this right, and that's okay. I'll keep trying. Yes, I’m talking to myself. Yes, I tend to compare myself to others (to my detriment).
Personally, comparison can either make me feel greater than or less than others. If I'm really being honest, its the latter. I tend to see what I do not have or what I don't know or haven't experienced, yet. I tend use comaprison as a way to highlight what I might lack and that's quite discouraging.
*inserts hidden jealously and regret for feeling like I didn't the best decisions in life because I'm comparing life to someone else's *
All of this can be the start of a downward spiral.
With a comparative lens, it becomes more about me than that person. As a reflective instrospective person, I do this naturally but I must remember the goal - to listen to whoever is speaking, not to necessarily respond, but to simply be there for them. No judgement, no advice, just a listening ear.
Everyone wants to be heard and understood when sharing with someone. I don't want to rob anyone of their chance of being heard by comparing my experience to theirs and inserting my 2 cents when they didn't ask for it.
Nonetheless, we are on this life journey together. Why not take the time to understand each other, instead of comparing how strong/weak/indifferent you are compared to them based on what they tell you? We don’t know the fullness of anyone’s story, so we shouldn’t assume anything or pass judgement based on the little information we’re told. Sometimes we're comparing our whole life to fraction of someone else's life. We don't have the full story and even if we do, we still only know what we're told.
Trust me, you know as much about people as they tell you and they aren’t telling you everything about their journey. As open as I am, I’m not telling you everything.
So let’s listen with grace.
Poem from Simply Thoughts -
insecurities are simple little assumptions
due to comparisons of apples to oranges
failing to realize they do not compete
then they added in some peaches
yet the truth never reaches the core
dying inside
what a beautiful fruit
ripe on the outside
with a bitter root
just live with the pain
thinking comparison is gain with a core of lies
her beauty dies
When we compare ourselves to each other it not only robs us of our peace, might spark an insecurity, but it tells God that who he made us to be isn’t enough.
Godspeed,
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